The grace of God on my life feels overwhelming as I am putting food in bags to be delivered to the food bank at the end of the day. Cranberry tuna, sweet potato salad, goat cheese pecan salad, all sorts of delectable treats are donated to the local poor every night. One in eight people in the world are chronically malnourished. I have this abundance of wonderful food all around me. I am well aware that I barely escaped from being on the receiving end of this chain. Instead, I am part of the giving.
It took the store ten years to be able to open in my area. A very strong crony organization with members that have exactly zero education and experience in economy governs local development, or more exactly, the lack thereof, and any changes must be approved by their board. There are towns that are trying to escape its iron clasp. As I watch all the food that will benefit the economically weakest people in town I wonder what this ridiculous board was against? Organic, high quality food for the homeless? Support for local farmers, fishermen, and schools? More year round jobs with the best benefits I have ever heard of? And a job for me…
As I am deciding where to take my life from here it becomes clear that I need to apply to the graduate program where I have been taking classes. God's provision is all around me.
"I have never heard of a graduate math program that would accept someone with no undergrad credits in math!"
An admission counselor at an engineering program is looking up the program that I want to to enter. I am trying to figure out how to get into an engineering school with a degree in liberal arts. She is shocked to learn that yes, the number one qualifier for this particular program is doing well in three of their classes and undergrad degrees don't matter. If I finish my math degree I will be considered for a civil engineering degree. A long road to take. When I get home at midnight I watch online classes on trigonometry and calculus. It will take me years to get where I want to be.
All the way up to my husband's death fear had been the main denominator to all important decisions I had made and I had no idea! In my mind I see myself at eighteen years of age standing in front of the engineering school where my father got his degree. Large glass windows supported by steel columns and clean lines of modern architecture tempt the core of my being. At the same time, just the thought of becoming anything like my father in any area sends me reeling. In the brokenness from the abuse I suffered from him I am not able to separate my feelings from reality. I don't really know who I am. All I know is that I want my life completely different than what it has been. I walk away from the school and end up enrolling in an English and Music teaching program.
I love English. Most people cannot detect my accent even though I did not start learning until I was fourteen (although I am sure that this blog is full of Czenglisms LOL!)
I love music. When I lay my harp on my shoulder and the music resonates through every part of my body I feel like heaven fell. My cherry harp's soft tones sweetly talk to my thoughts. My walnut harp's muted sound comforts and strengthens. My celtic harp's carbon fiber strings encompass the most resonance of them all, caress my soul, and envelope me in beauty head to toe.
But then… I am sitting in a geometry class I have to take for my license. I have been putting about twenty hours of work per week into homework. As I toil on Euclidian proofs and am able to deliver a perfect construction of a heptadecagon I KNOW… nothing has ever challenged me like this before and nothing else has felt so satisfying. Nothing has ever touched this one place inside me that nobody else has been able to understand. This IS me!
"Well, it is really early and there is nobody in student services yet…"
A girl at a switchboard is surprised someone would be calling at 8:30 during summer vacation. Yes, it is early. It is 2:30 am for me and I am trying to get my transcript from a school that is on the other side of the world so that I can apply to a math program. It is early, and it is never too late. My life has fundamentally changed. It does not matter what it takes. I need to keep making the changes that will take me where I need to go.
"You little idiot!" I do have a name Dad, and this is not it!
No Dad, I am not an idiot!
I was made just a little lower than the angels. And crowned with glory and honor. And that's that.
I love this new trail the collision with tick borne diseases and mold set me on. There seems to be healing for every wound I have ever suffered, the crooked is made straight, and the rough places plane. And I am enjoying every second of it!
Friday, July 25, 2014
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Emergency
I am thankful to every one of you who has taken the time to read my blog. I have a huge request now. There is a family from Canada at Sponaugle with ten year old quadruplets and all of the children have Lyme disease. I personally met them while I was there. The family has lost their business and home already. It does not get much worse than this. They desperately need your help. Please donate at:
http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/judah-vs-lyme/107787
http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/judah-vs-lyme/107787
Thursday, July 17, 2014
The Quadrature of the Lune
An itchy red spot on my skin marks the inevitable. I was bitten by a mosquito. I knew that the day would come when I would get bitten again and it happens to be today. The sun is setting and I am standing on the beach watching the show. Neon orange streaks spread all over the sky evenly fading into softer grayish pink hues above my head. Olive greens and browns of beach grasses follow the curvature of dunes and the lone osprey nest raises an upside down exclamation mark against the sky. Rhythmic swishing of ocean waves behind me cradles my soul. As I take in the unfolding spectacle of colors the nature set before me tonight I wonder why life is the way it is. The colors are produced by a reflection of light. In other words, the beam has to break in a certain way in order for me to see the particular color. I had to be broken in a certain way in order to enjoy it the way I do. I soak this harmony of colors and sounds into every pore of my being. This gorgeous beauty and the bite are both part of my life all at the same time.
I have been treating mosquito borne Protomyxzoa with Purify by The Life Tree for over a month now and don't get a Herxheimer reaction anymore. I used to feel air hunger about half an hour after taking the tincture. Mosquitoes in this area can also carry West Nile Virus and I decide to not worry about it. I simply have to take life one thing at a time and not fret about things that have not happened.
My mind along with my eyes wonder along each streak.
"I am here to separate the human side from the business side."
A response I got after I explained at work how ill I was and that I needed more treatment. Two days later there was a letter in the mail telling me that I would be terminated from my job if I failed to report back in longer than five business days. Well, I did not report. I couldn't. I have long learned that other people's actions and responses are not about me. They are about them. Besides, I can never be a teacher again anyways. Schools get closed for the summer without air-conditioning and the humid air just sits there creating mold. I cannot be around mold. Prior to my collapse I did not connect the leaky roof and moldy ceiling, the leaky windows and the mold around them, and the mold behind filing cabinets in one of the classrooms with my ill health. Now I know.
I feel like I don't owe anything to anyone at this job. I did the absolute best I could as I always do. I was the best teacher I possibly could be. I was not perfect, nobody is, but I gave it all I had. I feel like I can emotionally move onto the next stage of my life and leave what happened at my previous job behind me. Somehow I feel the termination has nothing to do with my performance but no need to guess. I must be busy trying to figure out where to go next.
It is week two of my Protomyxzoa treatment. Standing in a line for an interview I wonder how I am going to do this. I have been here for two hours now and am near fainting. How can I possibly hold a job? I get through the interview and don't get hired. I know that right now I cannot work so no harm done. I get hired on a second try a week later. I will be starting at the very bottom at an upscale grocery store. I will be working alongside some of my former students.
Week four into Protomyxzoa treatment I become the salad bar girl. Since I am not a mosquito and I will not be biting people and sucking their blood I feel OK starting this job. Protomyxzoa is not contagious so my conscience is clear about working with food. For everyone's safety I tell my PCP during my visit and he does not see a problem. Onto the salad bar!
The sun that entertains me at the beach plays with colors on "my" salad bar too. When the beams of setting sun light the vegetables the rainbow of colors becomes even more beautiful. I cannot believe I have been able to do this. I run all day and lift heavy tubs full of salads, smile at customers, and with glee go overboard for every need they might have. The store is very generous with samples. I love sharing my thankfulness and love for my new job with everyone I meet. I feel like I can trust all of my bosses, love the products, and find the whole place so exciting! My friends were worried that my sorry little brain would not get enough stimulation at a job like this. Well, I have come to consider this a poorly paid therapy. It is said that exercise detoxes the body. I am a living example of this. Even though I may come with joint pain I leave pain free after the shift. How amazing! The store was just rebuilt so no leaky ceilings or windows here! A perfect place for me.
I have become friends with some of the customers already. The employees are here because they want to. Everybody does their job. Yes there are problems, like there are everywhere. But they seem to be so minor! My recovering brain and nerves need this no-stress-all-fun environment right now. One of the cooks is teaching me her side of the house. She is a painter and taught painting classes at our local college. We talk about painting and art over pots of soup, grilled chicken, and mac and cheese. I ended up getting an A in my last math class I took at a top university. I am able to understand the quadrature of the lune. And at the same time I am having a hard time parking the car between two white lines. Now that I feel physically better my nerve damage has become more apparent. I do have some vision and hearing problems. My sense of space has been affected. I feel like my memory and word recall have slightly improved. All the more this need for paid fun and therapy. Go Red Sox? No! Go salad bar!
The moon helps the street lights find my way to the car when I get out after my shift. My second helpful lune. I know that I am going home to a complete disarray as most of my energy is consumed working. On the home front I basically only put out fires of the greatest emergencies. My two terriers gifted me with stinky pee pads while I was away. I glance over the piles of paperwork, dirty dishes, and clean laundry. As I fall asleep I am thankful for all of this mess. I am thankful that I can worry about having piles of clean laundry. Those are good worries to have.
I have been treating mosquito borne Protomyxzoa with Purify by The Life Tree for over a month now and don't get a Herxheimer reaction anymore. I used to feel air hunger about half an hour after taking the tincture. Mosquitoes in this area can also carry West Nile Virus and I decide to not worry about it. I simply have to take life one thing at a time and not fret about things that have not happened.
My mind along with my eyes wonder along each streak.
"I am here to separate the human side from the business side."
A response I got after I explained at work how ill I was and that I needed more treatment. Two days later there was a letter in the mail telling me that I would be terminated from my job if I failed to report back in longer than five business days. Well, I did not report. I couldn't. I have long learned that other people's actions and responses are not about me. They are about them. Besides, I can never be a teacher again anyways. Schools get closed for the summer without air-conditioning and the humid air just sits there creating mold. I cannot be around mold. Prior to my collapse I did not connect the leaky roof and moldy ceiling, the leaky windows and the mold around them, and the mold behind filing cabinets in one of the classrooms with my ill health. Now I know.
I feel like I don't owe anything to anyone at this job. I did the absolute best I could as I always do. I was the best teacher I possibly could be. I was not perfect, nobody is, but I gave it all I had. I feel like I can emotionally move onto the next stage of my life and leave what happened at my previous job behind me. Somehow I feel the termination has nothing to do with my performance but no need to guess. I must be busy trying to figure out where to go next.
It is week two of my Protomyxzoa treatment. Standing in a line for an interview I wonder how I am going to do this. I have been here for two hours now and am near fainting. How can I possibly hold a job? I get through the interview and don't get hired. I know that right now I cannot work so no harm done. I get hired on a second try a week later. I will be starting at the very bottom at an upscale grocery store. I will be working alongside some of my former students.
Week four into Protomyxzoa treatment I become the salad bar girl. Since I am not a mosquito and I will not be biting people and sucking their blood I feel OK starting this job. Protomyxzoa is not contagious so my conscience is clear about working with food. For everyone's safety I tell my PCP during my visit and he does not see a problem. Onto the salad bar!
The sun that entertains me at the beach plays with colors on "my" salad bar too. When the beams of setting sun light the vegetables the rainbow of colors becomes even more beautiful. I cannot believe I have been able to do this. I run all day and lift heavy tubs full of salads, smile at customers, and with glee go overboard for every need they might have. The store is very generous with samples. I love sharing my thankfulness and love for my new job with everyone I meet. I feel like I can trust all of my bosses, love the products, and find the whole place so exciting! My friends were worried that my sorry little brain would not get enough stimulation at a job like this. Well, I have come to consider this a poorly paid therapy. It is said that exercise detoxes the body. I am a living example of this. Even though I may come with joint pain I leave pain free after the shift. How amazing! The store was just rebuilt so no leaky ceilings or windows here! A perfect place for me.
I have become friends with some of the customers already. The employees are here because they want to. Everybody does their job. Yes there are problems, like there are everywhere. But they seem to be so minor! My recovering brain and nerves need this no-stress-all-fun environment right now. One of the cooks is teaching me her side of the house. She is a painter and taught painting classes at our local college. We talk about painting and art over pots of soup, grilled chicken, and mac and cheese. I ended up getting an A in my last math class I took at a top university. I am able to understand the quadrature of the lune. And at the same time I am having a hard time parking the car between two white lines. Now that I feel physically better my nerve damage has become more apparent. I do have some vision and hearing problems. My sense of space has been affected. I feel like my memory and word recall have slightly improved. All the more this need for paid fun and therapy. Go Red Sox? No! Go salad bar!
The moon helps the street lights find my way to the car when I get out after my shift. My second helpful lune. I know that I am going home to a complete disarray as most of my energy is consumed working. On the home front I basically only put out fires of the greatest emergencies. My two terriers gifted me with stinky pee pads while I was away. I glance over the piles of paperwork, dirty dishes, and clean laundry. As I fall asleep I am thankful for all of this mess. I am thankful that I can worry about having piles of clean laundry. Those are good worries to have.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
The Gift of Lyme
A moving pile of rabbit hair that just waits to fall apart is stretching my patience as I stand on my tippy toes in front of the rabbit hutch peeking under a blanket that covers the chicken wire in the door. I saw the mother rabbit pull her hair from her belly to build the nest several days ago. Now the babies have been born and I cannot wait to see them! Instead, all I see is a soft, fuzzy lump in motion that is keeping the baby rabbits warm during freezing early mornings of early March. Every day my grandmother gets up at five o'clock to make hot cocoa for the rabbits. None of us ever understood why she made cocoa for rabbits when they were babies. I know that soon I will be able to see the blind mouselike creatures crawling in their nest and when they are bigger I can hold a baby rabbit in my arms. For now all I can do is quietly watch in order to not disturb the mother and the babies.
"You can live a safe life of a rabbit in a communist rabbit hutch or face the dangers of the American jungle…" A comment made by Milos Forman, an immigrant from the Czech Republic and the director of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, referring to a hallmark of communist architecture, large blocks of flats with uniform apartments and uniform lives under the communist regime and the freedom and life one has to fight for here in the US. More now than ever, I am well familiar with the fight. I feel like I have just swam across the ocean. In my thoughts I am lying on the beach, exhausted, spent, and there is this large life right in front of me waiting to be discovered and won. I have had to fight my own body while fighting to get medical care for diseases the government denies exist.
I don't think that I have ever been in a better place in life. I may have a large medical debt. I may not be able to go back to my job as a teacher. But I know that eventually I can be the healthiest I have ever been. I have touched the very bottom of my existence. Today was the first day since August that I did not have to lie down during the day. I feel like I am making small progress every day. I know exactly what is wrong with me. I know what I have to do to improve. I know what I have to do to stay healthy. There is power in knowledge.
For the first time in my life I will be able to live to my potential. What an unbelievable concept! Three library books in ziploc bags are being heated by the sun in my car. Let's say that libraries don't make it a point to keep their books at 55% humidity... When I opened the first one and the musty smell hit me I knew that if I read it I would contaminate my body with mold. I immediately placed it in a bag and looked on the internet for mold removal instructions. I chose the car baking and will try a week in the freezer next time. I always thought I hated economics. To my great surprise I am drawn to this remediated volume on microeconomics. It all makes sense to me. Just about who am I? Where am I supposed to go? What IS my potential? So many paths have opened in front of me and now I have to figure out which one to take. Am I supposed to be an engineer, architect, nutritionist, should I study management? My gut is telling me there is a reason I am getting this degree in Recovering form Tick Borne Diseases! I feel like the depths I reached while at my worst have been placed in me for a reason.
"You have it in you!"
My pastel teacher is so sure I can make money by painting. I am 100% not sure but will follow her advice on this. I don't have that many ways to make money right now. If she thinks that I can make money selling my "art"… I don't know how to draw! I only took one pastel class! How crazy!
Two days ago I sat at the piano for the first time in ten months. Stumbling and stuttering through a piece I played when I was in high school I was ready to call Pere Lachaise Cemetery in Paris. Chopin must have been turning in his grave and I wanted to make sure the statue above him did not fall over. One of my small victories. Regardless of the quality (or lack thereof) of my playing I was actually able to do it. My efforts revealed that although much improved there is still slight neuropathy in my left hand. I am reveling in the fact that I am able to pay attention to such nonessentials as piano playing and replacing a broken string on my harp.
How much I enjoy every motion that does not hurt, every thought that can dwell on the beauty of life, every connection I can make with another human being… I think about and pray for the staff at Sponaugle Wellness and Dr. Sponaugle every day. With my life returning back to me in small increments I am so thankful for his courage to be different and to walk the Lyme path with his patients. Reviled and ostracized by their peers, insurance companies, and regulatory agencies Lyme Literate Medical Doctors and any medical professional who dare to treat Lyme patients put their reputation, licenses, and livelihood on the line for people who would otherwise get no help. I know him as an extremely generous and caring man who goes above and beyond for every one of his patients. He fights for their lives in the American jungle of politicking over this terrible, debilitating, and devastating disease. God bless America. And God bless dr. Sponaugle and his staff.
"You can live a safe life of a rabbit in a communist rabbit hutch or face the dangers of the American jungle…" A comment made by Milos Forman, an immigrant from the Czech Republic and the director of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, referring to a hallmark of communist architecture, large blocks of flats with uniform apartments and uniform lives under the communist regime and the freedom and life one has to fight for here in the US. More now than ever, I am well familiar with the fight. I feel like I have just swam across the ocean. In my thoughts I am lying on the beach, exhausted, spent, and there is this large life right in front of me waiting to be discovered and won. I have had to fight my own body while fighting to get medical care for diseases the government denies exist.
I don't think that I have ever been in a better place in life. I may have a large medical debt. I may not be able to go back to my job as a teacher. But I know that eventually I can be the healthiest I have ever been. I have touched the very bottom of my existence. Today was the first day since August that I did not have to lie down during the day. I feel like I am making small progress every day. I know exactly what is wrong with me. I know what I have to do to improve. I know what I have to do to stay healthy. There is power in knowledge.
For the first time in my life I will be able to live to my potential. What an unbelievable concept! Three library books in ziploc bags are being heated by the sun in my car. Let's say that libraries don't make it a point to keep their books at 55% humidity... When I opened the first one and the musty smell hit me I knew that if I read it I would contaminate my body with mold. I immediately placed it in a bag and looked on the internet for mold removal instructions. I chose the car baking and will try a week in the freezer next time. I always thought I hated economics. To my great surprise I am drawn to this remediated volume on microeconomics. It all makes sense to me. Just about who am I? Where am I supposed to go? What IS my potential? So many paths have opened in front of me and now I have to figure out which one to take. Am I supposed to be an engineer, architect, nutritionist, should I study management? My gut is telling me there is a reason I am getting this degree in Recovering form Tick Borne Diseases! I feel like the depths I reached while at my worst have been placed in me for a reason.
"You have it in you!"
My pastel teacher is so sure I can make money by painting. I am 100% not sure but will follow her advice on this. I don't have that many ways to make money right now. If she thinks that I can make money selling my "art"… I don't know how to draw! I only took one pastel class! How crazy!
Two days ago I sat at the piano for the first time in ten months. Stumbling and stuttering through a piece I played when I was in high school I was ready to call Pere Lachaise Cemetery in Paris. Chopin must have been turning in his grave and I wanted to make sure the statue above him did not fall over. One of my small victories. Regardless of the quality (or lack thereof) of my playing I was actually able to do it. My efforts revealed that although much improved there is still slight neuropathy in my left hand. I am reveling in the fact that I am able to pay attention to such nonessentials as piano playing and replacing a broken string on my harp.
How much I enjoy every motion that does not hurt, every thought that can dwell on the beauty of life, every connection I can make with another human being… I think about and pray for the staff at Sponaugle Wellness and Dr. Sponaugle every day. With my life returning back to me in small increments I am so thankful for his courage to be different and to walk the Lyme path with his patients. Reviled and ostracized by their peers, insurance companies, and regulatory agencies Lyme Literate Medical Doctors and any medical professional who dare to treat Lyme patients put their reputation, licenses, and livelihood on the line for people who would otherwise get no help. I know him as an extremely generous and caring man who goes above and beyond for every one of his patients. He fights for their lives in the American jungle of politicking over this terrible, debilitating, and devastating disease. God bless America. And God bless dr. Sponaugle and his staff.
Monday, May 26, 2014
Slowly but Surely
Fuzzy heads of Siberian onion perched on thick stems are resisting gentle swaying of spring ocean breeze while my dogs happily roll in the grass. I am sitting on the ground looking over my azaleas and phlox. Tulips, daffodils, and snow whites have finished blossoming. Popping buds of roses, clematis, and peonies are just about to burst into bloom. Small green berries of black and red currants ache for the sun and gooseberries are getting bigger each day.
The last two weeks have been beyond busy trying to get myself back into a routine. My little dog just arrived home from her trip to cranberry farm. My older dog is finally back to himself after two weeks of profound grief of perceived loss of his little sister. Unable to do anything other than eat and go out to pee without her now he is rubbing against my leg and nudging me to pick up a ball and throw it to him. We are a family again.
Yesterday was my first time back in church. I am so happy to see familiar faces, my church family who has been praying for me while I was away.
I will never regret this trip I have taken. I know exactly what is wrong with me and what I need to do to get better and to stay healthy. I have been taking Cholestyramine for black mold exposure. Last week I started Purify by The Life Tree for Protomyxzoa. I feel like I get a little better every day. I was told at Sponaugle that I would need three more months of treatments at the clinic to remove all toxins, break down biofilm, and kill all the pathogens. I need to go back in six months so that they can keep prescribing medication to me.
Right now my future is one big question mark. My last paycheck is in two weeks. I don't know how I will support myself after that. Somehow I am at peace with it and have been able to take one day at a time. I need extensive therapy and supplements neither of which are covered by insurance. Somehow I am fine with the uncertainty of my circumstances. I have done nothing to cause this. I cannot do anything right now to make it better. I am facing a fate that many Lyme patients have experienced. I know that I am on the way up. How long this is going to take and if I can ever make a full recovery is to be seen.
There are symptoms that have completely disappeared. I am able to jump on my rebounder, I am less light and sound sensitive. I am less emotional. I have way less pain and fatigue. Overall there is a lot of improvement.
I traded in my FJ Cruiser for a Prius. It is a perfect car for me and I am totally in love with it! The most practical and economical car I have ever owned, I feel like I am back to myself after the loss of my husband. Somehow after his death I needed the safety of the huge frame of the FJ. Prius, cleverly designed, 50 mpg, and thought through to the smallest details, embodies my philosophy of life. The car feels like an external sign of my healed grief.
I never thought I would publicly admit to doing things like colonics but it is the single most important therapy I have ever done for my health so I am willing to share. I have a colonic twice each week and now I have added ionic foot baths. The relief of symptoms I experience after each session is amazing. Sometimes I feel like I am near healed for several hours. Both colonics and foot baths remove toxins from the body. Any progress I have experienced started after I incorporated colonics into my detox regime. I will continue, with lesser frequency, for the rest of my life.
It is my intent to keep this blog going. I may not write frequently but so many people are desperate, facing this debilitating disease, and looking for answers. I took the chance and flew to Florida without knowing anyone who actually went to Sponaugle. I found excellent care, compassionate nurses, and an understanding doctor. I want others to have a reference point and to know how I am progressing and what I am doing to keep getting better and staying well. Time for Cholestyramine, see you next time!
The last two weeks have been beyond busy trying to get myself back into a routine. My little dog just arrived home from her trip to cranberry farm. My older dog is finally back to himself after two weeks of profound grief of perceived loss of his little sister. Unable to do anything other than eat and go out to pee without her now he is rubbing against my leg and nudging me to pick up a ball and throw it to him. We are a family again.
Yesterday was my first time back in church. I am so happy to see familiar faces, my church family who has been praying for me while I was away.
I will never regret this trip I have taken. I know exactly what is wrong with me and what I need to do to get better and to stay healthy. I have been taking Cholestyramine for black mold exposure. Last week I started Purify by The Life Tree for Protomyxzoa. I feel like I get a little better every day. I was told at Sponaugle that I would need three more months of treatments at the clinic to remove all toxins, break down biofilm, and kill all the pathogens. I need to go back in six months so that they can keep prescribing medication to me.
Right now my future is one big question mark. My last paycheck is in two weeks. I don't know how I will support myself after that. Somehow I am at peace with it and have been able to take one day at a time. I need extensive therapy and supplements neither of which are covered by insurance. Somehow I am fine with the uncertainty of my circumstances. I have done nothing to cause this. I cannot do anything right now to make it better. I am facing a fate that many Lyme patients have experienced. I know that I am on the way up. How long this is going to take and if I can ever make a full recovery is to be seen.
There are symptoms that have completely disappeared. I am able to jump on my rebounder, I am less light and sound sensitive. I am less emotional. I have way less pain and fatigue. Overall there is a lot of improvement.
I traded in my FJ Cruiser for a Prius. It is a perfect car for me and I am totally in love with it! The most practical and economical car I have ever owned, I feel like I am back to myself after the loss of my husband. Somehow after his death I needed the safety of the huge frame of the FJ. Prius, cleverly designed, 50 mpg, and thought through to the smallest details, embodies my philosophy of life. The car feels like an external sign of my healed grief.
I never thought I would publicly admit to doing things like colonics but it is the single most important therapy I have ever done for my health so I am willing to share. I have a colonic twice each week and now I have added ionic foot baths. The relief of symptoms I experience after each session is amazing. Sometimes I feel like I am near healed for several hours. Both colonics and foot baths remove toxins from the body. Any progress I have experienced started after I incorporated colonics into my detox regime. I will continue, with lesser frequency, for the rest of my life.
It is my intent to keep this blog going. I may not write frequently but so many people are desperate, facing this debilitating disease, and looking for answers. I took the chance and flew to Florida without knowing anyone who actually went to Sponaugle. I found excellent care, compassionate nurses, and an understanding doctor. I want others to have a reference point and to know how I am progressing and what I am doing to keep getting better and staying well. Time for Cholestyramine, see you next time!
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Black Death No.2
As much as I love to paint with words now I have not been able to write because my mind has been overwhelmed with toxins that were released during the kill IVs.
"Your body is killing on its own and I don't like you going home like this. I am worried you will not be able to detox quickly enough to remove the toxins the kill is producing!"
Dr. Sponaugle is not excited I am leaving. Neither am I. I know that there is a cure and I am not able to get it because of the cost. How disheartening! Five years ago my insurance would have covered 80% of the bill. Now they cover nothing. With the political changes that have been happening insurance covers less and less. I need three more months of treatment.
I am much more ill than anyone thought. Genetically predisposed to not be able to remove mold toxins my labs run almost twelve times the limit. Compared to other patient my toxicity is a walk in the park. Some patients' black mold levels are one, two, or even three hundred times greater than what they should be. Recently I started taking Cholestyramine and immediately noticed a difference. I am not well. But I am better. Any improvement counts.
On my way home my eyes skip over the dark spotty vents up in the ceiling of Tampa International Airport. I notice moldy dots on a canopy that leans against the plane as I enter. I wonder what is in the recycled air of the plane I am on. All of a sudden the world has become hostile and all I have to protect myself from it is a bottle of liposomal glutathione.
Landscape checkered with carmine stained glass windows of cranberry bogs announces we are nearing Massachusetts. My little dog is staying at one of the farms while I am getting my treatment. I may not be able to keep her. I may have to surrender her to a rescue. There are many changes ahead.
"I have to figure all of this out!"
"But you can't!"
One of my fellow patients mercifully brings my mind back to earth. I wrote these words with a lipstick on my mirror. I can't figure it out. Every day brings major changes and what was one way yesterday is completely different today. My type A personality is taking a beating and I hope that I am once and for all cured from planning and fretting over what I cannot figure out. All I can do now is take the next step and wait how it all shakes out.
My car has just puttered through five light changes right next to Charles River in early evening Boston traffic. I got a good look at college kids practicing their rowing skills. "WHO IS MAN THAT YOU ARE MINDFUL OF HIM?" An inscription on the front of the building where I am supposed to take my final. I wonder if other people read this too or if the voice of God has become just another prop in the hustle and bustle of the city. Once inside I can feel the musty air coming from the air-conditioning vents. I need to be quick. This building was built in 1908 and there is filth inside the vents that can seriously hurt me. The exam is supposed to take two hours. Thirty minutes into it my mind is shutting down already with the dirty air circulating throughout the room. I hand my exam in after one hour. I only did the absolute minimum to get a 90 and no extra credit. I run out of the building. Once in my car I start sobbing uncontrollably. Does this mean that I will not be able to finish my degree? Though online my program has four on-campus classes requirement. The entire campus is over a hundred years old.
I have learned to observe my emotions from a distance and understand that they are largely affected by mold and toxicity. There is something inside me that never allows me to give up. That something rises without fail every time I need to fight for myself or others. Like now. I observe this something that simply refuses to give up on me, my life, and my dreams. I realize I can finish. Even if I have to wear a HAZMAT suit and a respirator to every class. I can finish. I can ask to get an exemption due to health reasons. Where there is a will there is a way. Every day presents a new set of twists an turns and nothing is set in stone.
Thursday my house passes mold inspection with almost an A+. Some very minor non toxic mold in air conditioners. The rest of the house is mold free. I breathe a sigh of relief. I am safe in my home. The inspector agrees to look at the church. The church is completely mold free. There are two buildings I am safe in. My house and my church.
The car dealership is raking me over the coals. I have to trade my car in and get something cheaper and more economical. After my husband's death I needed a bandaid bigger than a box of chocolates so I got this big, bad, and beautiful Toyota FJ Cruiser. I needed the car. I felt safe in it. It was faithful in rain, sleet, and all the snow storms we have had. Now it's time to part with it. I am tired and don't have the strength to argue with the sales rep. I end up leaving because I know that what they are offering is not a good deal. Will try somewhere else on Monday.
Time for more Cholestyramine. My schedule of supplements and medications has become very regimented now that five of them cannot be taken with anything else. I basically take medications all day. The reward is six hours on uninterrupted sleep for the first time in years. I will do anything to avoid black death No.2 and its consequences. To be continued tomorrow!
"Your body is killing on its own and I don't like you going home like this. I am worried you will not be able to detox quickly enough to remove the toxins the kill is producing!"
Dr. Sponaugle is not excited I am leaving. Neither am I. I know that there is a cure and I am not able to get it because of the cost. How disheartening! Five years ago my insurance would have covered 80% of the bill. Now they cover nothing. With the political changes that have been happening insurance covers less and less. I need three more months of treatment.
I am much more ill than anyone thought. Genetically predisposed to not be able to remove mold toxins my labs run almost twelve times the limit. Compared to other patient my toxicity is a walk in the park. Some patients' black mold levels are one, two, or even three hundred times greater than what they should be. Recently I started taking Cholestyramine and immediately noticed a difference. I am not well. But I am better. Any improvement counts.
On my way home my eyes skip over the dark spotty vents up in the ceiling of Tampa International Airport. I notice moldy dots on a canopy that leans against the plane as I enter. I wonder what is in the recycled air of the plane I am on. All of a sudden the world has become hostile and all I have to protect myself from it is a bottle of liposomal glutathione.
Landscape checkered with carmine stained glass windows of cranberry bogs announces we are nearing Massachusetts. My little dog is staying at one of the farms while I am getting my treatment. I may not be able to keep her. I may have to surrender her to a rescue. There are many changes ahead.
"I have to figure all of this out!"
"But you can't!"
One of my fellow patients mercifully brings my mind back to earth. I wrote these words with a lipstick on my mirror. I can't figure it out. Every day brings major changes and what was one way yesterday is completely different today. My type A personality is taking a beating and I hope that I am once and for all cured from planning and fretting over what I cannot figure out. All I can do now is take the next step and wait how it all shakes out.
My car has just puttered through five light changes right next to Charles River in early evening Boston traffic. I got a good look at college kids practicing their rowing skills. "WHO IS MAN THAT YOU ARE MINDFUL OF HIM?" An inscription on the front of the building where I am supposed to take my final. I wonder if other people read this too or if the voice of God has become just another prop in the hustle and bustle of the city. Once inside I can feel the musty air coming from the air-conditioning vents. I need to be quick. This building was built in 1908 and there is filth inside the vents that can seriously hurt me. The exam is supposed to take two hours. Thirty minutes into it my mind is shutting down already with the dirty air circulating throughout the room. I hand my exam in after one hour. I only did the absolute minimum to get a 90 and no extra credit. I run out of the building. Once in my car I start sobbing uncontrollably. Does this mean that I will not be able to finish my degree? Though online my program has four on-campus classes requirement. The entire campus is over a hundred years old.
I have learned to observe my emotions from a distance and understand that they are largely affected by mold and toxicity. There is something inside me that never allows me to give up. That something rises without fail every time I need to fight for myself or others. Like now. I observe this something that simply refuses to give up on me, my life, and my dreams. I realize I can finish. Even if I have to wear a HAZMAT suit and a respirator to every class. I can finish. I can ask to get an exemption due to health reasons. Where there is a will there is a way. Every day presents a new set of twists an turns and nothing is set in stone.
Thursday my house passes mold inspection with almost an A+. Some very minor non toxic mold in air conditioners. The rest of the house is mold free. I breathe a sigh of relief. I am safe in my home. The inspector agrees to look at the church. The church is completely mold free. There are two buildings I am safe in. My house and my church.
The car dealership is raking me over the coals. I have to trade my car in and get something cheaper and more economical. After my husband's death I needed a bandaid bigger than a box of chocolates so I got this big, bad, and beautiful Toyota FJ Cruiser. I needed the car. I felt safe in it. It was faithful in rain, sleet, and all the snow storms we have had. Now it's time to part with it. I am tired and don't have the strength to argue with the sales rep. I end up leaving because I know that what they are offering is not a good deal. Will try somewhere else on Monday.
Time for more Cholestyramine. My schedule of supplements and medications has become very regimented now that five of them cannot be taken with anything else. I basically take medications all day. The reward is six hours on uninterrupted sleep for the first time in years. I will do anything to avoid black death No.2 and its consequences. To be continued tomorrow!
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Two Steps Forward and One Step Back
The doctor and his nurse are examining my latest labs. It is clear that I am much sicker than anyone had suspected. Toxin markers have been getting worse each week meaning more and more toxins have been pulled out of my brain and my nerves. My treatment will take longer than I thought and I have to go back home and take out a substantial loan so that I can finish. It will take my nerves six to twelve months to heal once all the toxins are gone.
"Let's start a double kill today"
I asked for an aggressive protocol again and I got it. Single, double, and triple "kills" break up the biofilm releasing mycotoxins, neurotoxins, heavy metals, and microbes that have found a hiding place in the goo. More and more toxins escape into my blood stream and my brain is trying to stay afloat in this toxic soup. I was warned about this but it is part of the cycle so I don't complain. Detox drips and colonics help with removing the mess.
When I arrived here at Sponaugle I began to be able to write for the first time since last August. With the kill releasing all the toxins my brain is down in the dumps again and I am just surviving in bed. It's not terrible, I just feel unwell and all I want is to stay in bed and not have to do anything. There is the Salvador Dali museum, Cape Canaveral, Bush Gardens, Epcot, and other attractions within driving distance but I am simply not able to pull myself together to manage a trip like that. Reading, watching TV, or listening to music have no draw on me. Right now I just want to exist as comfortably as possible.
Saturday night my friend takes me to a beach in Clearwater. For several hours, I have a clear mind and enough strength to manage a short walk. An endless stretch of fine sand like I know from Italy softly glows in the sunset. We quickly take pictures as the sun changes shape and color while the Earth is turning away from this wonderful, magic, glowing ball of burning gasses. As the rays bend in the atmosphere the sun looks like it's overflowing into the ocean and pouring out somewhere beyond the horizon. Then, quickly, it is gone! People clap and a bell clangs commemorating this important event. I allow myself to immerse in the wonder and beauty of this spectacle. I need to use these several hours of semi normalcy to give my overburdened mind much needed rest. I choose to not think about my symptoms and simply exist for right now. All of my senses are on alert for the performance that nature prepared for this evening. Parrots are trying to solve their domestic disputes over our heads. My friend and I share our joys and sorrows. Clusters of people around us hum with conversations and the wind carries over whiffs of cigarette smoke.
I have improved a lot since last August but I still have long ways to go. Toxins need to be pulled out of my nerves and removed from my body, biofilm broken up, microbes killed, all the while my malfunctioning immune systems tries to rally and fight on its own. My hormones need to even out. My gut must heal so that it can properly absorb all the nutrients I am trying to give it.
In my initial email to Sponaugle I included following symptoms:
"Let's start a double kill today"
I asked for an aggressive protocol again and I got it. Single, double, and triple "kills" break up the biofilm releasing mycotoxins, neurotoxins, heavy metals, and microbes that have found a hiding place in the goo. More and more toxins escape into my blood stream and my brain is trying to stay afloat in this toxic soup. I was warned about this but it is part of the cycle so I don't complain. Detox drips and colonics help with removing the mess.
When I arrived here at Sponaugle I began to be able to write for the first time since last August. With the kill releasing all the toxins my brain is down in the dumps again and I am just surviving in bed. It's not terrible, I just feel unwell and all I want is to stay in bed and not have to do anything. There is the Salvador Dali museum, Cape Canaveral, Bush Gardens, Epcot, and other attractions within driving distance but I am simply not able to pull myself together to manage a trip like that. Reading, watching TV, or listening to music have no draw on me. Right now I just want to exist as comfortably as possible.
Saturday night my friend takes me to a beach in Clearwater. For several hours, I have a clear mind and enough strength to manage a short walk. An endless stretch of fine sand like I know from Italy softly glows in the sunset. We quickly take pictures as the sun changes shape and color while the Earth is turning away from this wonderful, magic, glowing ball of burning gasses. As the rays bend in the atmosphere the sun looks like it's overflowing into the ocean and pouring out somewhere beyond the horizon. Then, quickly, it is gone! People clap and a bell clangs commemorating this important event. I allow myself to immerse in the wonder and beauty of this spectacle. I need to use these several hours of semi normalcy to give my overburdened mind much needed rest. I choose to not think about my symptoms and simply exist for right now. All of my senses are on alert for the performance that nature prepared for this evening. Parrots are trying to solve their domestic disputes over our heads. My friend and I share our joys and sorrows. Clusters of people around us hum with conversations and the wind carries over whiffs of cigarette smoke.
I have improved a lot since last August but I still have long ways to go. Toxins need to be pulled out of my nerves and removed from my body, biofilm broken up, microbes killed, all the while my malfunctioning immune systems tries to rally and fight on its own. My hormones need to even out. My gut must heal so that it can properly absorb all the nutrients I am trying to give it.
In my initial email to Sponaugle I included following symptoms:
Low energy and no stamina, overall exhaustion, choking, losing my voice, hoarse voice, difficulty swallowing (food and medication gets stuck in my throat), terrible nausea- more like a feeling like I am drowning without the pulmonary distress, vision problems-seeing black spots fly by in my peripheral vision, also unable to read 1/4" print- this comes and goes, hearing- unable to distinguish what people are saying, this also comes and goes, sensitivity to sound. Terrible night sweats, brain fog, memory loss, word retrieval issues. I am a teacher, I have not been able to remember about 20% of my students' names, if I meet them in a hall or outside of school I cannot remember their name and if I teach them or not. If the kids dramatically change their haircut (happens quite frequently with teenagers) I am not able to remember the student's name. Making frequent mistakes on the board (not on paper), cannot remember students who graduated. My muscles are like jello and I have lost 12 lbs. Food allergies- almonds, nutritional yeast, candida, etc, environmental allergies- smoke, perfumes, diesel fumes etc. My gums have recessed about 1/8". Joint pain, muscle pain, neuropathy in left hand, neck and shoulder pain and stiffness, having a hard time walking due to pain and cannot exercise, loss of balance every now and then. My hips and knees are giving up under me. Tingling and numbness in my face, hands, and legs. Change in taste- every now and then when I eat chicken it tastes like metal. My hair is falling out and I feel like I am 100 years old. Terrible sleep disruptions, last night got 2 hours of sleep. I am also very emotionally sensitive and easily irritated by small things and that is not my usual self. I am not able to watch any movies because any drama makes me cry. I am unable to watch or read about other people's suffering without crying. My handwriting is atrocious. My heart feels like I drank a gallon of coffee. I have had several episodes of irregular heartbeat. If I don't take major amount of probiotic I have terrible GI problems, even with the probiotic I feel like there is yeast in my stomach. My liver and my spleen hurt, I am assuming it's from all the antibiotics I have been on.
Current symptoms, severity is for the most part much reduced:
Names still present a major challenge for me. Brain fog, memory loss, word retrieval issues, fatigue, joint pain, muscle stiffness and occasional pain, food and environmental allergies, still some neuropathy in left hand, occasional tingling in hands, occasional air hunger, hair loss, sleep disruptions (about 3-4 hours of sleep per night), GI problems. Emotionally sensitive on occasion. Occasional night sweats.
This is a good list to make for myself. When I was so horribly ill in the fall I thought of documenting my progress but I was so overwhelmed with the disease that I was not able to write anything. I am in a much better place now. Thank God!
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