Black Death No.2

As much as I love to paint with words now I have not been able to write because my mind has been overwhelmed with toxins that were released during the kill IVs.

"Your body is killing on its own and I don't like you going home like this. I am worried you will not be able to detox quickly enough to remove the toxins the kill is producing!"

Dr. Sponaugle is not excited I am leaving. Neither am I. I know that there is a cure and I am not able to get it because of the cost. How disheartening! Five years ago my insurance would have covered 80% of the bill. Now they cover nothing. With the political changes that have been happening insurance covers less and less. I need three more months of treatment.

I am much more ill than anyone thought. Genetically predisposed to not be able to remove mold toxins my labs run almost twelve times the limit. Compared to other patient my toxicity is a walk in the park. Some patients' black mold levels are one, two, or even three hundred times greater than what they should be. Recently I started taking Cholestyramine and immediately noticed a difference. I am not well. But I am better. Any improvement counts.

On my way home my eyes skip over the dark spotty vents up in the ceiling of Tampa International Airport. I notice moldy dots on a canopy that leans against the plane as I enter. I wonder what is in the recycled air of the plane I am on. All of a sudden the world has become hostile and all I have to protect myself from it is a bottle of liposomal glutathione.

Landscape checkered with carmine stained glass windows of cranberry bogs announces we are nearing Massachusetts. My little dog is staying at one of the farms while I am getting my treatment. I may not be able to keep her. I may have to surrender her to a rescue. There are many changes ahead.

"I have to figure all of this out!"

"But you can't!"

One of my fellow patients mercifully brings my mind back to earth. I wrote these words with a lipstick on my mirror. I can't figure it out. Every day brings major changes and what was one way yesterday is completely different today. My type A personality is taking a beating and I hope that I am once and for all cured from planning and fretting over what I cannot figure out.  All I can do now is take the next step and wait how it all shakes out.

My car has just puttered through five light changes right next to Charles River in early evening Boston traffic. I got a good look at college kids practicing their rowing skills. "WHO IS MAN THAT YOU ARE MINDFUL OF HIM?" An inscription on the front of the building where I am supposed to take my final. I wonder if other people read this too or if the voice of God has become just another prop in the hustle and bustle of the city. Once inside I can feel the musty air coming from the air-conditioning vents. I need to be quick. This building was built in 1908 and there is filth inside the vents that can seriously hurt me. The exam is supposed to take two hours. Thirty minutes into it my mind is shutting down already with the dirty air circulating throughout the room. I hand my exam in after one hour.  I only did the absolute minimum to get a 90 and no extra credit. I run out of the building. Once in my car I start sobbing uncontrollably. Does this mean that I will not be able to finish my degree? Though online my program has four on-campus classes requirement. The entire campus is over a hundred years old.

I have learned to observe my emotions from a distance and understand that they are largely affected by mold and toxicity. There is something inside me that never allows me to give up. That something rises without fail every time I need to fight for myself or others. Like now. I observe this something that simply refuses to give up on me, my life, and my dreams. I realize I can finish. Even if I have to wear a HAZMAT suit and a respirator to every class. I can finish. I can ask to get an exemption due to health reasons. Where there is a will there is a way.  Every day presents a new set of twists an turns and nothing is set in stone.

Thursday my house passes mold inspection with almost an A+. Some very minor non toxic mold in air conditioners. The rest of the house is mold free. I breathe a sigh of relief. I am safe in my home. The inspector agrees to look at the church. The church is completely mold free. There are two buildings I am safe in. My house and my church.

The car dealership is raking me over the coals. I have to trade my car in and get something cheaper and more economical. After my husband's death I needed a bandaid bigger than a box of chocolates so I got this big, bad, and beautiful Toyota FJ Cruiser. I needed the car. I felt safe in it. It was faithful in rain, sleet, and all the snow storms we have had. Now it's time to part with it. I am tired and don't have the strength to argue with the sales rep. I end up leaving because I know that what they are offering is not a good deal. Will try somewhere else on Monday.

Time for more Cholestyramine. My schedule of supplements and medications has become very regimented now that five of them cannot be taken with anything else. I basically take medications all day.  The reward is six hours on uninterrupted sleep for the first time in years. I will do anything to avoid black death No.2 and its consequences. To be continued tomorrow!