Just a Little Lower than the Angels

The grace of God on my life feels overwhelming as I am putting food in bags to be delivered to the food bank at the end of the day. Cranberry tuna, sweet potato salad,  goat cheese pecan salad, all sorts of delectable treats are donated to the local poor every night. One in eight people in the world are chronically malnourished. I have this abundance of wonderful food all around me. I am well aware that I barely escaped from being on the receiving end of this chain. Instead, I am part of the giving.

It took the store ten years to be able to open in my area. A very strong crony organization with members that have exactly zero education and experience in economy governs local development, or more exactly, the lack thereof, and any changes must be approved by their board. There are towns that are trying to escape its iron clasp. As I watch all the food that will benefit the economically weakest people in town I wonder what this ridiculous board was against? Organic, high quality food for the homeless? Support for local farmers, fishermen, and schools? More year round jobs with the best benefits I have ever heard of? And a job for me…

As I am deciding where to take my life from here it becomes clear that I need to apply to the graduate program where I have been taking classes. God's provision is all around me.

"I have never heard of a graduate math program that would accept someone with no undergrad credits in math!"

An admission counselor at an engineering program is looking up the program that I want to to enter. I am trying to figure out how to get into an engineering school with a degree in liberal arts. She is shocked to learn that yes, the number one qualifier for this particular program is doing well in three of their classes and undergrad degrees don't matter. If I finish my math degree I will be considered for a civil engineering degree. A long road to take. When I get home at midnight I watch online classes on trigonometry and calculus. It will take me years to get where I want to be.

All the way up to my husband's death fear had been the main denominator to all important decisions I had made and I had no idea! In my mind I see myself at eighteen years of age standing in front of the engineering school where my father got his degree. Large glass windows supported by steel columns and clean lines of modern architecture tempt the core of my being. At the same time, just the thought of becoming anything like my father in any area sends me reeling. In the brokenness from the abuse I suffered from him I am not able to separate my feelings from reality. I don't really know who I am. All I know is that I want my life completely different than what it has been. I walk away from the school and end up enrolling in an English and Music teaching program.

I love English. Most people cannot detect my accent even though I did not start learning until I was fourteen (although I am sure that this blog is full of Czenglisms LOL!)

I love music. When I lay my harp on my shoulder and the music resonates through every part of my body I feel like heaven fell. My cherry harp's soft tones sweetly talk to my thoughts. My walnut harp's muted sound comforts and strengthens. My celtic harp's carbon fiber strings encompass the most resonance of them all, caress my soul, and envelope me in beauty head to toe.

But then… I am sitting in a geometry class I have to take for my license. I have been putting about twenty hours of work per week into homework. As I toil on Euclidian proofs and am able to deliver a perfect construction of a heptadecagon I KNOW… nothing has ever challenged me like this before and nothing else has felt so satisfying. Nothing has ever touched this one place inside me that nobody else has been able to understand. This IS me!

"Well, it is really early and there is nobody in student services yet…"

A girl at a switchboard is surprised someone would be calling at 8:30 during summer vacation. Yes, it is early. It is 2:30 am for me and I am trying to get my transcript from a school that is on the other side of the world so that I can apply to a math program. It is early, and it is never too late. My life has fundamentally changed. It does not matter what it takes. I need to keep making the changes that will take me where I need to go.

"You little idiot!" I do have a name Dad, and this is not it!

No Dad, I am not an idiot!

I was made just a little lower than the angels. And crowned with glory and honor. And that's that.

I love this new trail the collision with tick borne diseases and mold set me on. There seems to be healing for every wound I have ever suffered, the crooked is made straight, and the rough places plane. And I am enjoying every second of it!